I Am Selfish - I Am Self Love

The word Selfish was always classed to be a negative word to me. As I began to mature, I realised that being selfish (or Self Love as I now like to refer to it) is essential to living a life of balance which allows everyone in your life to benefit. Men seem to have this under control, and they are usually the ones that focus on what they want when they want without a care in the world for what another may feel. I have found that women, however, are more emotional, and therefore they tend to do things that they may not necessarily want to do, but just to keep others happy they will do it anyway. It took some time to realise that there was nothing wrong with being selfish; it was when I decided to act more selfishly; things started to fall into place for me. As I began making choices which benefited me, I realised I was not selfish at all; what I was demonstrating was a Self Love towards myself. I was doing what I needed to do to make me happy, and for the first time in a long time, I felt good.

I always thought that by being at the beck and call of another is what made me a “good” person. You need me to drop everything that I am doing and rush to your aid, “yep I will be there”. You want me to stop my current phone call and answer you straight away, “yep, I going put you before me” You want me to answer your messages instantly because you have decided to randomly check in “Yep I am doing that too” Oh how those days are over, finished, finito!. It took me a while to realise that others (especially those with masculine energy) will do what they need to do for themselves. While me being me (well the old me) was always sacrificing having my own needs met. In reality, I was not happy, I was not content meeting the needs of others, especially when I began to realise that the same people I was offering my support too were not offering back the same level of support to me. Oh well never mind Tash, time to make another change in life. (Lockdown, plus it being 2020 - this year of clear vision has opened my eyes!).

In hindsight, I realised that I didn’t need anyone to meet my needs. I am more than capable of meeting my own needs, needs that matter to me in life, things that I want to achieve to enable me to move forward with my dreams and desires. Aged 26 I remember having a conversation with a total stranger around my needs in which I stated “I have to meet my own needs before I can meet the needs of another, and that includes meeting the needs of my child” She looked at me in shock horror. She argued her point that I was selfish and did not deserve to have a child if that was my viewpoint on meeting my needs. I stood my ground as I always do if I believe what I am saying to be accurate; back then, it was more from an Ego standpoint. Still, in reality, it was because I knew what I was talking about even if I did not wholeheartedly believe what I was saying at the time (Plus who was this woman to judge me, she was going on like I was saying, “ I eat first and then whatever I have left I feed my child… pfffft my child was well fed, and she loves food far too much for me even to contemplate starving her!!) Anyway, I left this conversation, still standing my ground, but it wasn’t until 11 years later that I finally understood what I meant in this conversation……

I was at a transitional stage of my life at around 34,(women wake up in their 30’s!) I had just started my journey towards self-love and healing, and the old Me was fighting with the new Me that was trying to emerge. At this point, I realised the way life was currently going was not working for me. I felt drained; I felt lost; I was running on empty looking for answers, and unsure where to find them, I decided to read. A part of my journey towards Self Love has been doing things that I enjoy, and as reading is one of my favourite hobbies, I opened a book, and this is what I found….

“The losing of self in a relationship is what causes the most bitterness. Two people join together in a partnership hoping that the whole will be greater than the sum of parts, only to find that it is less”

N.Walsh

I had been lost for years, in relationships, both personal and interpersonal in which I was always meeting the needs of another. I was so consumed with the needs of the other person that I completely forgot that I had needs of my own that needed to be met!! Oh, what an idiot! How much time had been wasted on this area of my life, and why it had taken so long for me to realise that my bitterness was not towards the other person and more geared towards myself! Or so I thought, we lose no time by experiencing life, what we just fail to understand is the importance of loving ourselves on this journey.

Time is an essential factor on the journey to Self Love, as well as having time for those around you who are extremely important to you, and it is also equally important to have time to yourself. Time in which you may choose to reflect on what you are doing and where you see yourself going. Reviewing what you’re passionate about and focusing on this, while finding a balance to spend time with those you care about. Laughing is an essential part of the Self Love journey, laughing reminds you, you’re still alive and have much to look forward to. Spend time talking and socialising with those who tell you there is a lighter side to life. Also, the people who you may have spent time with before may no longer be resonating with your Self Love journey, during this period you may disconnect from them. There may or not be a reason for this disconnect, and only time will tell.

Over some time, I had become used to wearing a mask; I don't believe you can truly love yourself if you cannot be your true authentic self. ( this is my opinion). The reason I had become so accustomed to wearing a mask and pretending to be someone that I was not, meant that eventually I would get bored and would return to my real “self” that self that fully understood what it meant to meet my needs. My Soul always knows when it is time to start fulfilling my own needs, and therefore I naturally start pulling away to do what is best for me. To others, it may feel as though I am leaving them behind, but this is not the case whatsoever, I am evolving, so therefore we either evolve together or yes it will feel as though I am leaving you behind. (However, how another feels is not my issue, I can not control how others think, so my goal is about ensuring I love myself to the highest possible degree). Evolving could occur as we begin to see ourselves with a higher form of Self Love.

You see what you do for yourself, and you do for another. You are doing things that are filling up your cup first. For you both to benefit you must both have a full cup. This means that you should meet your own needs, and another should concentrate on meeting their individual needs. Does this make you selfish? Of course not. My father made a good point in the conversation, and he stated: when you get on a plane, you are advised to put on your face mask, first this is so that you can help others. Exactly, so why do we become consumed in helping another to get their needs met before our own? I ain’t trying to be left high and dry when another has completely drained my energy with meeting their needs, and I get nothing in return…. Come on, let's be real here!

We all have a different idea of Self Love Language, as we are all different.

I am not one for needy people, and you know those that get upset and want to treat you in some type of way because I am not there when you need me. I am sorry but if you need me to do something for you, be it listening to something you have going on within your life or me helping you to do something. I am not willing to put my life on hold for you to get ahead. ( Now don’t get me wrong, if it is a life or death situation I am going to help you, but anything else you are going to have to wait, my friend!) I have learnt that people who are not needy can fully accept that you have goals in life you want to achieve and will, therefore, support you rather than hinder you. This is one of the highest actions of Self Love for yourself, which another also has for themselves.

So what changed me, and I mean changed me….. I was 37, and my daughter came with the bombshell “Mum, I am pregnant!” My first thoughts on this were; Who’s child is this, and why is she telling me she is pregnant - goes and finds your mum cause I know you're not trying to tell me I am going to be a grandmother… I AM NOT READY!!!! I was more than ready; all I needed to do was fine-tune the path I had already started at 34……, and this is when everything changed. I realised that my needs now more than ever had become necessary. I was going to be a grandmother, and now my mission was to become the best grandmother I could be! My nanny had put so many of her own needs on hold for us to achieve. However, the one thing she always reiterated was how important it was for me to do what I need to do for myself and let no one hold me back. So now was the time, I had to re-evaluate who was in my life that needed to go and go they did!!

The Love of a Granchild is an extension of the Love for your Child

Nowadays, I do what I need to do for me; I am not selfish; I am just doing what is best for me. With love in my heart with every step that I take. If that offends anyone then so be it, those who care for me will understand this is part of me and the needs I currently have going on…. I am building an empire here so we are either in this together or I am doing it alone. Either way, I am going to win.

Selfishness is not an option; it is a must; you must have the ability to do what you need to do for you. So let's turn it around and use a more positive word. Self Love. Ahhh that beautiful word, that word that helps you to realise what you are worth, how to take care of yourself, to follow the guidance of your inner self. Self Love the feeling that we get when we can say no, instead of saying yes. Self-love is an essential aspect of life, and sometimes on the journey you are going to lose people along the way. Don’t worry about the loss of any type of relationship. And understand that those relationships are no longer resonating with you, and therefore they have to decimate. Some are going to view your new-found Self-love of you being too confident, or as I have heard many times “You think, you’re too nice” ( damn right I do! In fact I know I am kind - how about that!) This is the insecurity of another trying to keep you in a box, they don’t want your light to shine, so if they can tell you anything that they feel will bring you down they are going to try. Try not to let another's opinion of what you believe to be right for you, bring you down to their level.

My Grandmother had the highest level of Self Love for herself, she knew what she was good at, and she bragged about it to anyone who would listen. At the time I always thought that she was just “big-headed” but as she grew I realised that she knew her strengths and that was something that no one would be able to take away from her. She cooked well, she dressed well, and she knew how to shake her backside on the dancefloor. So in those areas, her Self Love was never questioned. She was not what I would call selfish in any way, but she was selfless, which meant she would do what she was good at with ease, but would always put others before herself.

So the fine line here is being able to know what you are good at, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you LOVE yourself every single day, even the parts of you, you wish were slightly bigger or slightly smaller love those parts of you too. They all make you up as a whole.

Self Love is about believing in your ability to achieve. Having that deep knowing within that, all that you do is done with a passion. A passion that only you will feel when you do it, as it is what resonates with your soul. When I taught full time, I loved my job, I never once got up in the morning and complained about having to do a 9-5, which as every teacher knows can be stressful. I never once found this role stressful; I was always up to date with my marking and teaching scheduled. This job role was Self Love at its highest form, not just for myself and what I was able to achieve but also for the students who I had become Selfless towards.

Self Love requires a commitment of the highest sense, and it means that you will have to stick to a routine of achievement. Just like someone who gets up at 5 am every morning to go to the gym, they don’t have that routine for no reason, and they do this as they have a love for themselves to keep their body looking a certain way. Whatever it is, we should demonstrate a Self Love that makes us feel good about ourselves.

Self Love was when I realised that I was not doing what I was passionate about. I love to help others. It is a deep calling within my Soul. But not just the people that I know and that are close to me, I want to help those that I don’t know to understand the importance of loving themselves and all of the beauty that comes with that. Waking up every morning and being happy with life, and what you have to offer in life is a form of Self Love. Many people are not grateful for the fact that they have woken up in the morning, or that they have access to things that are important such as a home, freshwater and food in the fridge. We often take for granted the small things that may be big things to another, so remain humble through the process of Self Love.

Find your passion and share it with the world - Self Love

The level of Self Love that you have for yourself is evident in the way that others treat you. If you find that others are treating you with less than you feel you deserve, then there is an element that you will need to heal within yourself in line with how you view yourself. It is not so much about others' opinions of you, and more about the opinion that you have towards yourself. Do you love yourself? Or are you depending on another to show you love that you believe you deserve? I stop relying on others to show me love, as I realised that many others want you to show them love, yet they are not capable of showing love and respect towards you, or themselves. This leads to relationships which can follow a pattern of codependency—however a relationship which follows a pattern of interdependency, could be deemed as healthier. In which you are free to experience being you in a detached manner, a Self Love which understands it is okay for another to do what is best for them while you do what is best for you.

As individuals, we should come together as a collective, and help one another feel a deep sense of love for ourselves and one another. We are so busy trying to prove a point, that we forget that we have no-one to prove a point too, apart from ourselves. Focus on what you want for you, where do you see yourself to be in the next year. A year can make such a difference in someone’s life. While I always believe in a five-year plan, a plan over a year can be beneficial and very healing towards you looking back and seeing how you have achieved things that help you to love yourself that little bit better.

Having a healthy Self Love for yourself also allows others to love themselves. We attract what we are, or we mirror what we are. We also learn so much from one another concerning loving ourselves. 2020 is a year in which we were forced into a “lockdown” has made many reflect on what they want for themselves from career to relationships (of all kinds) that they wish to develop for themselves. Having time for Self Reflection is one of the purest forms of Self Love that you could ever give to yourself. Reflecting on what changes and improvements you want for yourself is both enlightening and sometimes soul-wrenching. I am naturally a writer, so find journalling to be a form of release and really allows me the opportunity to write about my current feelings and then review how far I have come (I have been journaling since I was 13 - I got some real stories and an archive of journals!) However this is my way of demonstrating love towards myself, by being open and honest with how I am feeling and taking responsibility for how I am feeling. This may not work for you; however, can you think of a way that you may demonstrate self-love in a manner that suits you?

There are also things in life that may happen, which can destroy your sense of Self Love. In my early 20’s, I was in a situation that involved domestic violence and emotional abuse. It took me a long time to get over the emotional abuse (physical abuse is easy, once the bruises are gone so are the memories) the things that were said was more a way of trying to controlling me, and since as I could not be controlled the physical abuse came (I still was not controlled, I will take them licks I am doing me!) For my ladies (and gentlemen, as this can work both ways sometimes!) that have experienced this and are out, just remember words can only scar for as long as you allow them too. For those that are still in these types of relationships - just getting out is a form of Self Love. The longer we stay, the higher the risk of damage, and what we attract after this will not give us the love we desire or deserve. So as a form of Self Love, take your time to heal before entering another relationship, or you're just going to bring your baggage into the new relationships. Healing you is Self Love.

By not taking the time to heal, we will be left open to attract a similar situation, that may not be on the same level of abuse. However, the lack of Self Love will put you in a position that you may not have entered had you have been healed.

Self Love can only attract Self Love. This is a fundamental factor that we need to take into consideration. I have found that a lot of people who I have surrounded myself with, have a deep sense of Self Love for themselves, and if they have not reached that place as yet, they are on the road to Self Love. I have many friends who have encouraged me on this journey (you know who you are, so big up yourselves) they have helped me to remain balanced and questioned me when I go off track. This is important, those that we have in our circle should enhance you. Show those you care about what they are good at, remind them of their journey and how far they have come. They will do the same for you. This is about give and take, with the overall goal of Self Love being achieved together and individually.

Being alone is the highest form of Self Love that you can achieve. I love being around people, don't get me wrong. However, this lockdown of 2020 was the perfect way for me to spend time alone and looked at what I wanted to achieve for myself. Did I miss my family and friends? Yes, of course, I did, but the bigger picture here was not about who I was going to miss and more about what I was going to gain and achieve for myself. It was about looking at how I had loved myself over the past year, and what changes I needed to make to ensure that I continued the journey towards loving myself in the best possible way that I could. I saw many people that acted as though they never left the house when they were just hiding elsewhere. All good to them, I say. It just showed me who was serious about getting to know themselves and who just couldn’t wait for everything to go back to normal. This, for me, was an eye-opener. Nothing will return to normal after this lockdown. The world will be forever changed. Therefore making the changes towards Self Love could be deemed as essential...

Understanding by Xscape is our song of the week;-

What I Need From You Is Understanding

How Can We Communicate, If You Don't Hear What I Say

What I Need From You Is Understanding, Simple As 1,2,3

Undestanding Is What I Need

Overall, Self Love will mean different things to different people, what it may mean to me, you could have a completely different outlook or experience in how you believe you offer yourself the Love your Soul needs as part of this journey. There is no right or wrong to how you Love yourself. It is what feels right for you. By respecting and honouring how you are feeling, and knowing that even on days in which you may not feel as though you possess any Self Love, tomorrow is a new day, with new energy and a fresh outlook.

I am Self Love, and I Am in Alignment with my Soul Journey, I am Open to New Opportunities….

Love, Light and Blessings

NSJ XXXXX

References

Dyer.W, DR (2004) The Power Of Intention - Learning To Co-Create Your World Your Way. Hay House: London

Walton, A, C (2009) The Spiritual Secrets Of Happiness Health and Success - A Powerful and Practical Guide for Manifesting the Life You Want. Amazon: Great Britain

Walsh, N (1995) Conversations With God -Book One Hodder & Stoughton: London

Images

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