Did you hear me? How effective communication builds relationships

How we communicate with another will either be detrimental or enlightening to another. I for one have been told that at times I can be very dismissive in the way and style that I communicate almost like I am ignoring you, but not quite ignoring you I may just not know how I am expected to answer a question that I deem to be common sense. Or I am concentrating on something, and although I have heard you, I may not always remember to respond. (Just the way my brain works) I have since been challenged on this, and hence this has been the influence for this week's blog. The way we communicate in most if not all instances are usually due to us being a product of our environment. I for one know that my grandmother was extremely dismissive to the point her answer would simply be “Mi Nah answer dem deh foolishness”. While this was acceptable from my elder, who had every right to decide if she wanted to engage in conversation or not. I have since come to realise that this is not acceptable in all of my relationships especially new ones that I am building that I can see will be meaningful both now and in the future.

Part of this ignoring someone's needs came to light when P (more to explain about her later) first told me about a major event she has going on in her life, she has just been selected to complete a interview on BBC radio, and was telling me with excitement in her tone. However, I casually said “this is good” and proceeded to speak about what I was going to do. P's attitude to what I was speaking about after this, and me being me (with only child syndrome - yes I have a brother but predominantly alone to the age of ten) chose to ignore P had stopped responding to me. I knew something was wrong, however as I prefer to not have conflict, I carried on. This led to P having a hissy fit (her words not mine LOL) however she really broke down the importance of listening and communicating effectively so that the other person knows that you care. Upon reflection, as no one had complained about me in this way before, I linked this behaviour to my childhood experience; being an only child up until the age of ten, I didn’t really have to take on board anyone's feelings, I was used to all attention being me, and what I needed to communicate, however now was the time for change and change I did!

The way in which we communicate is greatly influenced by what we witness within our environment as children. Therefore when we reach adulthood it is our responsibility to review what is an acceptable form of communication with another. The way we have learnt to communicate does not stop when we reach adulthood, if anything we have to learn to communicate in a variety of different ways in adulthood to meet the audience we are interacting with. I used to believe that meant I would have to change an aspect of myself but have since realised it is not some much about changing who I am and more about being able to adjust my communication style to meet the other persons’ needs. There is an element of compassion in being able to meet the needs of another without having to comprise our own. Many people will read this and be stuck in their ways by believing that having to adjust their communication style means that they have to change. But usually, this is more to do with personal relationships, as I am pretty sure that you do not communicate with your work colleagues or business partners in the same way you communicate with your friends and family! ( I would definitely have been sacked ages ago if I spoke to my work colleagues the way I spoke with my friends and family… Let's just say my Nanny swore a lot, and after all, I am a semi-product of my environment! LOL).

The one thing I know that I am good at is taking constructive criticism, this has been a journey through and has not always been easy, as stated in a previous blog, my Ego used to play a huge role in anyone questioning what I knew or telling me how I should be. However, it is also important that if someone has expressed a dislike in how you communicate with them the compassionate thing to do is at least look at your communication style and not necessarily change, but at least learn to adapt (within reason, as you should never have to compromise who you see your true self to be) so that the other person feels comfortable enough to speak to you. I for one, know that I really have a strong dislike when I ask a question and get ignored, I find it rude and dismissive. However, after looking at myself, I realised that I also have this trait ( My Tish asks me the most questions, and all now she is waiting for an answer, or maybe it is just that she chats too much who knows LOL - Love you Tish!!), so that means I have to change that part of me if I expect it to become a part of my reality! (like attracts like and all that good stuff!).

We are different in our styles of communication at all times, the way I communicate with my daughter is different to how I communicate with my friends, the way I communicate with my friends is different to how I communicate with my mother. The list is endless; we have different communication styles for the many different relationships within our lives. But the key is to understand who we are speaking to and what the best communication style is for the relationships to survive. So guess what I did? Yep, you guessed it I went on a research mission….. And here is what I found. Emotional intelligence is key to understanding not only yourself but another. By being able to read the emotions of another, you are able to adapt your communication style effectively. Being a Teacher has made this easy for me with my 9-5 job role, however, in my personal life, I can find this difficult at times especially if I believe that you should already know the answer to the questions you are asking me ( my grandmother’s side of me kicking in R.I.P Esmine Daisy “Parchment” Gayle MWAH xxx ).

I can be quite masculine in the sense that when I am put in a situation in which I do not feel comfortable the less you will hear my voice. Deborah Tannen identified this stating:-

I grew up with mainly male cousins, I heard how they carried on and they taught me how to communicate in a very masculine manner… Well then this makes sense to my communication style, the less I communicate or demonstrate an interest, the more I feel independent. Or so I thought…… Last year I started a new journey and part of this meant I needed to go abroad and to get my mind straight. Initially, I was going alone, but at the time I was working closely with my newly acquired friend P (well she wasn’t new, but going on holiday together was a new experience for us). We did not see it at the time, but we were in actual fact going on holiday as strangers. We all know the strain that comes with being away with people that we know let alone, going away with someone that we don’t know that well. So this was a risk. A massive one at that! Anyway we went and yes it was great for the first few days, and then the difference in communication arrived. We were both strong-minded, both strongly opinionated and both needed to have our needs met in very different ways. But what P possessed and I found more difficult was the ability to openly communicate her feelings and communicate she did! ( I was about to be introduced to my feminine side in a manner I did not feel ready for!)

I was the one that always wanted to offer a solution to P, she did not need solutions as she had her own answers and mostly just wanted me to listen to what she was communicating. And so the clashing began. But the beautiful part of the clashing was that we did not scream and shout at one another (You guys thought you had some gossip there in it!) no, we simply discussed as adults what we liked and disliked, a particular kind of communication that was designed to suit us both. We had lengthy discussions, and a lot was uncovered, and this is what a healthy relationship consists of being able to speak openly and honestly. P has encouraged me about the importance of asking questions. I shy away from questioning, but then realised this is partly because I don’t like being asked questions. Especially until I feel comfortable enough to share. ( I beg you don’t ask me about my business, I am not sure I wanna know you like that yet!) However, the reality is if you don’t ask questions how will you know what or who you are dealing with? We have to ask questions, that is all part of getting to know someone, and it is better to know who you are dealing with in the beginning than to find out 6 months into the relationship!

The reality is that communication can be a beautiful thing if we take the time, to get to know the other person. The more we talk, the more we learn, the more we are able to adapt to the needs of another person, and more importantly, look at and discuss what our own needs are. People often feel that they need to change an aspect of who they are when developing a relationship with another and this is not the case at all. ( I know I have mentioned changing a few times, but it is so relevant especially in times in which people are so against change). But what may benefit you when developing relationships (both new and old), is your ability to be vulnerable, be open about who you are, how your experiences may have shaped you and why you may not always feel the need to answer questions. There is nothing wrong with getting to know the deeper side of someone. But what you need to understand is that there is a honeymoon stage (just like when you get into a new romantic relationship) and the reality of the relationships does not consist of all the good sides that you see within the person.

It comes when the excitement of the relationship has died down and now you have to deal with the reality of what the person is really like. That is when a relationship really begins when the rose-tinted glasses are off, and the beginning of an empire is starting to form. The real having to compromise. My father broke this down beautifully for me today (the blessings of a Dad, that just keeps it real with you as a grown woman). He explained that in order for a relationship to work, both parties need to agree and/or at least be aware of what is happening in one another's lives. Relationships can not survive without open communication (So yes Tash, you have fi talk up…. Alright Dad!).

So guess what….P and I decided we hadn’t learnt enough about one another so we went on holiday again three weeks later! Did we clash again, yes we did, but this time in a different, a more intense way, a way that changed the way that I looked at my communication style? This holiday was a different kind of experience. Not only was the climate hotter, so was the need to have some much-needed space from one another. We discovered through open and honest communication that we both had a need to experience the holiday separately, not for the entire holiday, but for at least a day. This allowed for a different kind of communication experience as the time spent apart meant that we had some different experiences to discuss when we came back together. Never underestimate the positives of a break in communication with another. Sometimes it is the time apart that really allows you to appreciate when you come back together. It also allows you to take a long and deep look at yourself, what could you have done differently and if necessary apply this during your next time of connection.

So, the important part of learning to communicate effectively is by learning to not only listen to what the person is saying but also learning to communicate in a manner that suits both you and another so that the relationships may continue a journey of harmony. We must release our childhood experiences so that we may experience new ways of communicating and being. By being open and honest in our communication is the only way that we are able to get our needs met effectively. We are all different, we all have different ways of doing things, no one's way is the right way, it is just your way. Appreciate those that come and are able to show you a different way, we are never too old to learn something new, it is more about being so used to doing things the way we are used to them being done, that causes us the most stress. To embrace newness in life, we must be willing to bring newness into our lives.

I want to say a massive thank you to P. You have enlightened me, girl, in places that were dark, in ways that I thought I already had fully under control. Just a reality check that we are never too old to learn!!

My Song on repeat for this blog with words so fitting:- “Why Don’t You By Cleo Sol.

“Sometimes I Still Doubt Myself, But At Least Now I Love Myself,

And I Am Quite Emotional, That’s Why You Can’t Get Close At All,

So I Start To Push Away, The Ones That Love Me ‘Cause

I Am Scared That They Might Walk Away.

I Am Not Perfect, So I Try Everyday and I Grow A Little Bit.

Read A Little More So I Can Educate My Fears

Reap For My Soul And Cleanse My Spirit”

I am Unconditional Love, I am Honest, I am Healed

Love, Light and Blessings

NSJ XXXXX

References

Dyer. W. DR (2004) The Power of Intention - Learning To Co-Create Your World Your Way Hay House: United Kingdom

Goleman. D (1996) Emotional Intelligence - Why It Can Matter More Than IQ Bloomsbury Publishing Plc: London

Tannen.D (1991) Women and Men In Conversation - You Just Don’t Understand Virago:London

Walsh.N (1995) Conversations With God - Book One Hodder & Stoughton:London

Images

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