Black Lives Matter - Self Esteem vs Self Confidence

I am writing this blog as a 40-year black woman who has experienced racism since the age of 4 years old. I have been extremely quiet on the subject which has dominated the news over the past few weeks, for reasons that I have always held close to my heart. I have seen various statements which have stated that people's silence (I am going to put myself in that category) is demonstrating that they do not care or worse still it makes them racist. I am not gonna lie at first I was offended, how dare others judge my decision to remain silent. Then I remembered my own journey, I know who I am and under no terms will I be following a crowd (I was born a leader and a leader is what I will remain). Does that make me racist against my own culture? In some eyes yes, in my eyes it makes me ‘Me’, and that is who I will always be regardless of the judgements others cast upon me. (the only person who pays my bills and feeds my stomach is me, so judge away).

If you want to see change educate yourself first - then share what you have learnt NSJ

You see what I have learnt is that Self Esteem comes from how others see us, and this will then lead to the level of Self Confidence we have within ourselves. So we can either allow others to make the judgements in regards to how we should be and act, or we make the decision for ourselves and stand by the decision that we have made. People are always quick to cast judgement upon others, and not so quick to look at themselves. It is natural. I understand the laws of the land and how people operate in many cultures and using this knowledge has enabled me to get to the stage I am currently at within life. But hey each and every to their own, we all have different opinions as to how we see the world.

Self Esteem vs Self Confidence. Two statements that can be so similar, yet so different and mean different things to different people. I have noticed in life that those who often come across as the most confident are usually the ones that have lower self-esteem. It is easy to hide behind confidence when deep inside the person may not feel as strong as they demonstrate. It is important that we recognise this in another, and not take the fact that they are demonstrating high confidence levels when this may not really be how they are feeling. Some people will hide mental health issues such as anxiety and depression behind these masks. So we must be kind to those we come across, and try to understand the deeper sides of another.

During my younger years, I would have been classed as loud, confident, speaking my mind, anything that meant that I could get myself into trouble. Upon reflection, and in most cases I was just rude, and most of the time there was no need for that type of attitude. I later came to realise that I was hiding behind many low self-esteem issues that I had going on. I was shy in reality, didn’t like speaking in public, was literally terrified of people casting judgement on me in any which way or form. It was constantly in the back of mind that I had to worry more about what people were thinking about me, more than what I was thinking about myself. It took me a while to understand that it had nothing to do with how others see me, and much more to do with how I saw myself.

I had to take charge of my own Self Esteem, I had to develop a real sense of Self Confidence within myself. I had to literally build myself up from the bottom. Retrain my mind to a place in which I was able to clearly see all the areas within my life that I was actually really good. This had to be achieved without the input of others. To this day, I am still very humble with what I am good at, I still find it hard to take compliments from others in regards to what I do well. I am fully aware of what I am good at, so I do not need to have anyone tell me consistently, it just doesn’t sit right with me. I am also learning the importance of taking constructive criticism ( I currently have the best mentor for this at the moment, she does not play to highlight areas of growth in the most positive way).

It is about who we are being as opposed to what we are doing

So how did the journey begin? I am going to link this to a current situation which is dominating the news “Black Lives Matters”. Growing up I attended a predominantly caucasian school. Therefore in my class, I was one of only two Black girls. I was bullied for many things but mainly the colour of my skin. It led to me not having a firm love and belief in myself. I remember hating my name as it sounded too “black” even though as I aged I realised that it was a Russian name (don’t know if that made it better or worse!). Wanting to have straight hair, blue eyes, anything that took me away from being who I truly was. So from four to eleven, I was subjected to this abuse. I did not realise the impact that it had on me until later in life. The impact of being treated in a way by children who never knew anything better, however, were treating me as though I didn’t mean anything on a daily basis. So yes I would say that this was the starting point of my low self-esteem - overly high self-confidence levels.

"Enviroments Can Change Our Prespectives Instantly" - NSJ

It wasn't until I arrived at secondary school (ahh, good old Catford Girls!), that I became more exposed to many different cultures. I now had to readjust to attending school with a variety of cultures and learning about many different people and what they were experiencing within their homes. The point of change was when my father sat me down and said “Tash, yes you are a black girl, but never ever think that you cannot achieve what you want to achieve in life. Do not let anyone tell you are uncapable of being anything but great. Regardless of the colour of your skin” I was very young when my father told me this. To the stage that I did not realise what he meant at the time. This for me has made me realise that for a very long time, it is not so much that I believed I was penalised for being black. It was more to do with another culture not understanding my culture, and therefore this leading to what I experienced during my earlier childhood experiences. Do I blame these individuals for how I was made to feel? No - I have taken responsibility that I am in charge of how I feel and who I see myself to be, therefore I can no longer allow what happened to me while younger to control my adult life.

Years on - I can have natural curly hair - I tan beautifully and I fully own it

I Love Me -NSJ

On the plus side, growing up in a country in which caucasian people have been deemed to be the ones who have the control of the country; has meant that I understood how to work in a world which on many occasions I was one of the only black managers. I got here because I knew that I could not be held back. I educated myself so that I could not be tested when it came to my ability to apply and compete for a job role. I knew how the minds of another culture worked, and I used this to my advantage. Therefore what I believed was a disadvantage to me as a child, and had a negative impact on my self-esteem, actually turned into a positive, and then to achieve in the way that I have career-wise, built my self-confidence. Win-Win situation really.

“I Control my Self Esteem and Confidence” - NSJ

Having low self-esteem is no joke, if not identified, it can lead to you not following your dreams and passions. You may be affected by every little passing comment that someone makes about you that may not be said to hurt your feelings, but if you are already in a place in which your confidence is low, it will make you feel even worse. I have found that the people we surround ourselves with, can have an impact on the way that we feel about ourselves. This links back to the blog previously written surrounding our egos. Low self-esteem is definitely linked to our egos, as the ego always wants to think that is better than everyone, so imagine someone telling you negative things about yourself. That is just going to make us feel worse as opposed to better.

Moreover, I fully understand that although we have history as a culture. We can only remain victims of our ancestors, if we are unable to change our mindsets to what we have experienced. Yes we may feel that we are treated unfairly, however this is a feeling, and the more energy we place into a feeling the more we are going to feel this way. It is not about changing anothers’ culture’s mindset to how they see our culture. It is about us changing our mindsets to how others view our culture…. Get your heads around that.

Free your mind… Free your Soul

The start of building your self- esteem which in turn leads to high self-confidence, may not be an easy one. It is about remembering who you were before the world or society started making you believe that you were not good enough. But the reality is you were born good enough, you have always been good enough. Now it is just for you to do the inner work to remember that you are good enough regardless of what you have been told or led to believe by those who have not even realised that they are good enough also.

Believe it or not, the starting point is usually our family. Growing up with a very outspoken grandmother, the way she delivered her truth at times would make me feel as though I was not making the right choices. I was going to do things her way and that was the only way. As I grew, I understood that it was just her tone and choice of words. (usually swear words - God bless you, Nanny). My grandmother always had my best intentions behind the harshness of her delivery, clearly, her upbringing had meant that this was the way you got another to fall in line. And to be honest it was her way that did have me fall in line so really, it was my own sensitivity that was the problem, more than what I was being told.

When we follow our purpose, what our hearts are really calling for us to do, this helps with us developing our confidence levels. Doing things that we know that we are good at, and finding out as much about this passion as we possibly can, and then better still be paid for it is one of the most exhilarating feelings one could achieve. But how do you know what you are good at? That starts with you sitting down with yourself. Really looking at yourself. The hardest part of the journey is admitting that you actually do have things about you that another would love to have. But that you may be too introverted to demonstrate for the world to see. So how do we get there?

"Find your Purpose in Life, Love your Purpose in Life” NSJ

Firstly, we need to release the past. Every small thought that we have accumulated over the years, that have been imposed on us by another. Every feeling of insecurity that we have about ourselves from the way we look, to how others see us, to how we have treated. We have to let go of the fact that people will judge us (if you have that much time to cast judgement on me, maybe you need to look at you). Basically we have to let go of ideologies that are no longer going help raise our self-esteem. We are keeping oursleves prisoners of the past, if we can not change our mindsets for what we want the future to look like for the generations who will experience society differently from how we are currently experiencing it.

Low self-esteem means that we spend a lot of time worrying about what others may see within us. We have become conscious about the opinions of others, and what they have to say about the choices which we are making for our lives. In some cases we have demonstrated the stereotypes that others have placed upon us, as a culture. We have allowed ourselves to be "drawn out" in a manner which is "expected" of us. So remember this journey is about you. It is about you not needing anyone to give you the green light in regards to how they feel you should be living your life, or who they see you living your life with.

On the other hand, self-confidence is making the right choices for you. It is about knowing that it is okay to leave behind the things that do not help you to grow. Having a surety about yourself and what you are capable of achieving without another imposing their thoughts and opinions on you about what they believe you should be doing… Wait for it… with YOUR life. I don’t need another opinion about what I should be doing. I don’t mind a little constructive criticism that helps me to grow within what I already know about myself. But I can find my own solutions thank you!

“Self Confidence is developed, when we are authentic with ourselves” - NSJ

Development of self-confidence has meant that I have found my lane in life. The beauty is I am moving out of what I have deemed to be my comfort zone. Nothing is learnt by staying in a comfort zone. It means that we are stagnant if we are unable to think and look outside of the box. My newly found lane has meant I am able to bring new experiences into my life. To look at the best that I want in life without being scared of the outcome. My life has changed significantly over this past year. And the current lockdown which we have found ourselves within (the beauty of history in the making!) has really helped me to underpin what it is I really want in life.

Building your self-esteem is better done alone. No outside influences, no one in your space. Just you. You and your thoughts, for some they may see this as a dangerous game to play. They need distractions. It helps to ease the process but does not necessarily help them to see what it is that is holding them in a place that will never add to their growth. Never be afraid of your thoughts, allow them to come in. They are only thoughts, they can only destroy your life if you allow them too. Plus thoughts are memories and memories good and bad are there to aid us with our growth in the most positive way.

“Our Positivity is what will get us through our most challenging times” - NSJ

There will be people who once took advantage of your low self-esteem. Now what you may gain from remembering here is that these individuals were also in a place that they had low self-esteem too (like attracts like, and all that jazz). As you start to rise in your self-confidence within yourself, these individuals are going to resurface. They are going to want to test you ( and we all know the universe loves a test!). This is actually the most beautiful part of the journey, as it allows you the chance to see how much you have grown.

Oh, and it doesn’t stop there, as you have to pass the test… once someone can see that you have grown, now you have become a challenge so be prepared for them to come back again, just for them to gain access to you so that they may feel better about themselves (it is their ego’s that need feeding - do not feed them, allow another fool to gratify their needs). Your job is to pass your tests in life which will be presented to you, and each time you fail, you will need to go back until you have learnt your lesson. Therefore you better learn quickly or be prepared for a repeated and draining cycle. Remember this everytime you feel afronted because of the colour of your skin.

“Release Negative Cycles, Create Positive Experiences” - NSJ

More importantly, if we want to see a change in what we are currently seeing within our society then the place to start is with our children. Let’s stop waiting for the government to make the decision that it is okay for us to be seen and heard. Why should we have to protest for our voices to be heard? Where is our own level of Self Esteem at, Why is our Self Confidence not used appropriately? When you think of these as questions, we then begin to understand that for us, and what we have experienced until now, will only be changed by what we are now able to instil in the generations which are to follow us. So yes, if I am to protest then I am protesting to ensure that my granddaughter will never experience what I had to experience just like I did not experience the level of adversity that my grandparents experience when they came to a country which has signs on doors which stated:-

“Our Grandparents suffered so we would not have too. Remember this and educate the new generation” - NSJ

We have been subjected to what we have deemed to be an unfair treatment for a long time. It was ingrained into our minds from a young age and seen as we have always heard from we could walk and talk, was that we would have to work harder because we are “black” has meant that before we even had gone out into society we already felt to be at a disadvantage. With that feeling will come a lack of confidence and self-esteem.

The history of your own levels of self-esteem may come from not only what we have heard, but also what we have seen. Family history can also play a role in the levels of self-esteem and self-confidence which we develop within ourselves. We are products of our environment until we are no longer that way because we can see our purpose and what we believe to be true for ourselves. To have higher levels of self-esteem and self-confidence we have to change the way we view ourselves. We must believe that we can be anything that we want to be, have faith that in life we can achieve whatever we want to achieve.

Song of the week

Marvin Gaye - Let’s Get It On

We’re All Sensitive People

With So Much To Give

Understand Me Sugar

Since We’ve Got To Be Here

Let’s Live

I Love You

There Is Nothing Wrong With Me Loving You

And Giving Yourself To Me Can Never Be Wrong

If The Love Is True

No one is able to hold us back, the only person in life that can ever hold you back is you. Therefore now is the time to take responsibility for you. We can not seek to see a change in another until we are able to see change within ourselves. The way we act, the way we respond is all imperative towards the journey of self-esteem and self-confidence. Make choices for you, decide who you want to be and when. It is about seeing more within you than another is able to see in you. Always be aware of what you bring to the table, and never be afraid to eat alone. Have self-assured confidence, and do not allow anyone to make you feel insecure about who you are.

I am Me, I am One with the Universe, I am Confident with the desires of my Soul.

Love, Light and Blessings NSJ XXXXX

References

Walsh,N ( 1998) Conversations with God - Book Three. Hodder & Stoughton:London

Images

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